Attic What IZIT #7
by Bikeman • July 19, 2023
We had a lot of fun with the Attic What IZIT back in the day. We'd dig up some of the more obscure parts hiding here and put it out to our loyal visitors to come up with what it is. Bikeman would always know of course but it was entertaining to see how long it would take for someone else to come up with the correct answer. We would post the answer so the winner could take a victory lap. In the event of multiple correct answers we would post the most complete or creative one. We'll try to dust one of these off each week and keep the excitement going of what will pop up next.
Originally Published early in this century
This one maybe tough, but we know you will find it quite amusing when the answer is posted. In an ideal world the winner would provide us with the company that made the product, the name of the product, how it was used and for an extra prize be able to recite the "Installation Ritual" provided with the product.
This edition was tough, an obscure item that many forgot about or probably never even used. For this reason we never had a complete answer. Several folks correctly told us that this item was a top tube protector. Which it is, but we were looking for a bit more. Here is Bikeman's description with text from the outlandish packaging.
Hoodoo Band, Demon Chaser and Whack Shield
Another fine product from Wasatch Cycle Works, maker of many "Supernatural Parts" The Hoodoo Band is a frame tube protector that is machined from shock resistant polycarbonate to take most whacks from your barends, rocks or fork crown. The product contains a plastic shield and stickon rubber bumpers to raise the shield just off your frame surface.
The packaging includes a bizarre installation ritual and a formula for determining if your bike needs the HooDoo Band. Here we go so hold onto your keyboard cause this gets a little scary.
Do you need the HooDoo Band?
Does this describe your bike? - Excessive pinch flats, crashes and breakdowns. - Your toptube has more dents than a demolition derby car. - Your chain SUCKS. - Remember when you USED TO be able to shift gears? If the description fits YOUR BIKE IS POSSESSED! Demons have been known to possess bikes of all kinds. They are probably the cause of most of your mechanical failures, crashes, and lack of fitness. The only way to exorcise these devils is to put a HooDoo Band on your bike. It will immediately expel all demons through the use of Bi-Polarized Karmic Energy, leaving your bike completely fiend free. A little protection will save your ass.
The ritual needs to be performed in a dark, quiet and preferably candle-lit place. Your bike must be free of excessive dirt, cow manure, or rust for the magical powers to exorcise demons from the bike. You will need the following devices: - A possessed bike. - A HooDoo Band. - The blood of a still-alive, mature, male dingo... or spray lubricant and grease. - Freshly cut horns from an antelope, wildebeest, and wild Russian boar... or a bicycle repair tool kit. - A good sized patch of skin (fur intact) from the right butt-cheek of an immature female Sasquatch... or a patch kit and thorn proofing belts.
Repeat the following phrase while applying the dingo blood or lubricant to all bearing surfaces, cables, and chain. "Selur Hctasaw, Give me back my baby...UMMM..." Then wipe off the excess blood. Touch the bike repeatedly with the various horns making a twisting motion or use the tools in the same fashion while making adjustments to areas of the bike where negative energy is concentrated. It is helpful during this stage of the rite to release primal screams when highly negative areas are found. Disassemble tires and tubes from wheels and place Sasquatch fur in possessed parts of the tires, or patch all holes in tubes and install thorn proof belt in tires. You may also want to let a male cat lick the Sasquatch fur and then place the coughed-up fur-ball in your mouth as you perform the ritual. Place the urethane bumpers on the inside wall of the HooDoo Band, then put the band on the most vulnerable part of your frame repeating the words, "Ssa Skcik Skrow Elcyc Hctasaw". It is best to repeat this forwards and then backwards at least 5 times. The most easily possessed part of most bikes is the toptube where the bar ends or brake levers hit when they swing around. Your bike is now EXORCISED of all demons. If demons re-possess your bike, simply perform the above ritual again or install another HooDoo Band to double your demon chasing powers.